Too much of the existing theology towards gay individuals like me is one of coercion and expectation. Yet, these expectations are inconsistent and different in the eyes of different people (and sometimes outright impossible). Plus, there are no equivalents to this when it comes to heterosexuals – and that, at best, is simply unfair. Never did I expect that living with my sexuality would be more complicated, not because of myself, but because of the opinions of others.

In cutting down on the noise, I have perhaps cut down too much. That is not my own assessment, but may be the assessment of others. I think my ultimate effort is to make my theology workable for people such as myself who struggle with something that, in its very essence, is neither good nor bad. However, it is worth admitting that sexuality is often tainted for both homosexual and heterosexual individuals alike, due to our sinful human nature.

While once again, others may disagree with my views, I’m striving for the balance between reality and respect for Scripture in all of this. I’ll admit, I’m not in the business of making everyone happy. I’ve already upset some for admitting the facts – that I am gay, and do reckon with the effects of it in my life. With that, I must express the reality that I truly do have little control over this aspect of my life, and that is not up for debate.

First of all, all sides have to contend with the difficulty of the Biblical passages commonly used to condemn some or all same-sex behaviors. I think it would be disingenuous for us to claim that all “intimate” behaviors between members of the same sex or gender are off limits, since this would disallow close relationships between all individuals of the same sex, regardless of sexual orientation. We have to remember that even behaviors we see as being romantic are purely platonic in other cultures and throughout antiquity (ex. greeting others with a kiss).

Amidst all this, I think we have to consider that the Bible only possibly discusses acts of a sexual nature between members of the same sex. While we might think differently in a culture that seems obsessed with isolating individuals (especially men) from having any sort of affection in their relationships with the same sex to avoid any doubt that one is anything other than purely heterosexual, most, if not all, behaviors of affection between members of the same gender are certainly fine. Anyone who claims otherwise is stuck in stereotypes that are neither ancient nor “traditional.”

Even then, none of the handful of so-called “clobber passages” appear to have anything less than a clear-as-mud declaration concerning sexual intimacy between members of the same sex. When Paul uses the Greek word “arsenokoitai” (ἀρσενοκοίται) in his letters to the Corinthians and Timothy, he coined a new word that doesn’t have any external context or common use outside of the Biblical texts. While I could go into the variety of problems with these particular passages, I think this is enough to suggest the complexity of the situation with these passages.

In addition to this, we can almost certainly discard the Old Testament references as well, since the distinction that Christians have to make regarding the Law is that we consider it through the lens of the New Testament, and specifically, our consciences are only bound to moral mandates that are reaffirmed or introduced in the New Testament (since the Gospel is only concerned with morality as any laws that were ceremonial or civil in nature were only mandated for their specific contexts). Any references to same-sex behaviors applied to the Israelites, and are not readdressed nor revisited by Christ. Christ summarized the Law best with love of God and love of neighbor. Anything beyond that is muddying a very clear declaration of the tenets upon which all moral actions rest.

Second of all, we must contend with the reality and nature of those, such as I, who have (and, based on scientific evidence, were likely born and grew into) a homosexual orientation. Our sexuality is wholly out of our control, and attempts to control it or convert it end in utter failure, inflicting more wounds than causing actual, measurable change. After ex-gay ministries have attempted to “make the gays straight” for decades, they have at best accomplished nothing, and realistically left 700,000 with more wounds than they came with, or driven them to the point of ending their time in this world (suicidality is already a huge problem amongst LGBTQ+ youth without considering conversion therapy). Combined with this, God doesn’t appear to be in the business of making gay individuals straight, as there is no evidence that sexual orientation happens under any circumstances ever.

As someone who is gay, there is absolutely nothing that I can change on my part. It is the job of Christians in the church to thus reassess how they approach individuals such as myself, since they are the only ones who have any sort of influence over the spiritual well-being of LGBTQ+ individuals. Our hands are tied with regard to our identity. There is no “changing” on our part. Which, logically, leaves the church in necessity to adapt.

Based on the very fact that gay individuals can’t control their sexuality, the church can at very least stop allowing or perpetuating the lies that humans are by nature born heterosexual, since clearly that’s not the case (or else, people like me wouldn’t exist). Along with this, there is no risk in accepting us for who we are. That means no condemnation or schooling for how we describe or talk about our sexuality, since there is nothing wrong with one calling themselves gay, queer, or claiming that they are same-sex attracted. While I have a personal preference for the terms “gay” or “queer,” none of the terms used to describe sexuality or “queer identity” are inherently better than the others (although some might be more helpful in certain situations over others). If Jesus did not shrink away from the prostitute who washed his feet, then Christians should be the least willing to shrink away from people who call themselves “gay.”

Third of all, we should have open arms, whatever situation the homosexual individual is in. Instead of driving them away with hostility or a list of demands before they become “tolerable,” we should be focused on sharing the message of promise. The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. It is the job of all Christians to encounter anyone who has come to seek refuge in the church with the radical love of Jesus and the comforting message of the Gospel (especially since there is no litmus test for the condition of the individual’s heart). If they have come to the church, they are searching for answers and healing (and if they aren’t, they still need the Gospel anyway).

The job of the church is not to manufacture perfect people, but to empower people with the message of the Gospel and encourage them in the love of each other and their neighbors. By loving those who are made in the image of the God who shed his blood for them and all of us, we show that we have hearts that have been turned toward loving God. This is the same in regard to LGBTQ+ individuals.

Our goal should not be to force the homosexual couple to divorce (which we should find fault with such a demand, especially if the couple happens to be parents). Our goal should not be to force the trans individual to detransition. Our goal should not be to force any queer person whom Christ has called to remain in celibacy. Our goal should be to show them the love of Christ and point them to the Savior, who will work change in them as he sees fit in accordance with his will. Our demand that the individual must change for us to share the message of the Gospel shows our lack of trust in the efficacy of the message. And at that point, what is it worth to believe in a message that we don’t trust to be effective?

Fourth of all, heterosexual Christians should stop seeing homosexuals as being foreign, unnatural, mentally ill, or innately broken due to their sexuality. Our similarities far outnumber our differences. In fact, the main and only practical difference we have is the gender of whom we are attracted to. Yet besides that, our desires for love, affection, romanticism, intimacy, and an exclusive relationship with another individual are all common. We have the same desires, just with different people in mind.

We are still human, and we deserve at very least to be considered with the same dignity and respect, regardless of whether our sexuality is known or not. To heterosexual Christians, we are still your neighbors, whom Christ urges you and commands you to treat with love and grace. If you are to model anyone, model your Savior, who approached sinners of all sorts with the same tenderness, grace, and love.

Fifth and finally, there is a middle way of dealing with the theological problems surrounding the topic of homosexuality. While it may be ideal for gay individuals, such as myself, to remain celibate, we have no mandate from God to do so. We, along with our straight peers, have an invitation to be celibate, but even Paul acknowledges that not everyone is given the ability to remain a lifelong celibate. There is a danger in forcing ourselves to standards that we cannot uphold. Paul considers that it is better for one to be married to one to whom they can be fully dedicated, rather than to burn with lustful passion.

In the case of same-sex couples, while it might not be the “ideal,” it is certainly better than the alternatives, which can lead to dishonest celibacy and risky sexual activities that harm both oneself and one’s neighbor or despair that can lead to depression, apathy towards God, and even suicide. If our theology places individuals like myself at increased risk of degraded physical or mental health and suicide, we must rethink our theology – and this is most certainly the case we find ourselves in here. That, and besides the notoriously misused “clobber passages”, there is nothing that should theologically prevent at least tolerance of same-sex unions.

In addition to that, I think Christians have to recognize the astonishing amount of “good fruits” that are present in same-sex households. For example, studies have consistently shown the children of same-sex couples to be just as resilient as children of heterosexual couples (in fact, in certain cases, the children of same-sex couples have a marginal advantage in this regard). Same-sex households are way more likely (7x compared to heterosexual households) to adopt children and provide stable environments to them. Same-sex couples also tend to be happier than straight couples on average. With all of these things in mind, I think it’s very hard to dismiss any sort of goodness in same-sex relationships. If such relationships were as harmful as Christians tend to speak of them, we would find that to be consistent with reality. It simply is not the case, as much many conservative Christians might hope it were.

That being said, some gay individuals will find themselves to be more content as lifelong celibates. There is nothing wrong with that. Others will find themselves unable to remain celibate and end up marrying someone of the same sex for their own well-being. Given the very clear principles of Scripture that by nature outweigh the unclear ones, we should find no fault with that either. It is not our job to suggest that we know God’s will better than he does. God works in the hearts of all types of sinners and has called all types of people to be his children. That includes me, and that includes many other Christians who also call themselves “gay.”

In my own case, I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m open to whatever God sends my way. If it is his will that I remain celibate for life, so be it. If it be his will that anything else happens, I have no reason to be opposed to that. I trust that he holds all things in his hands and is working in my best interest, both for the here and now and what lies beyond in eternity.

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone…’”

– Genesis 2:18, NIV.

Growing up as the second oldest in what ended up becoming a family of 14, I wasn’t alone a lot, at least physically. But growing up as a gay kid, who wasn’t quite able to admit it out loud, made things lonely in another regard.

When I was a student at public school, I was mostly alone. I had one friend I spent time with. The rest of the time, I was at the mercy and under the scrutiny of classmates who bullied me for being different.

Home wasn’t perfect, school wasn’t either, and I constantly lived in both worlds, looking for escape from the other. I lived around people who didn’t understand me, and making my experiences their own problem, were opposed to who I was as a person.

College didn’t fix this, to the surprise of absolutely no one whatsoever. I spent the first few months of my freshman year knowing basically no one besides my roommate. It took time to form friendships, but eventually I did. Yet being gay would still haunt me. I would go on to unsuccessfully attempt to initiate a few relationships with girls my age before we got to where I am now.

Now I feel like I’m back to where I started and feel unknown and misunderstood as much as ever. Since I came out fully, there’s been an uneasy silence and gray area. What does this mean now? Am I just expecting people to support me, or do I figure my life will be better with this off my chest?

Being out presented new problems and more scrutiny and testing of friendships and numerous reality checks that have the hand on the compass to my life spinning wildly in circles, pointing in every direction. I’ve realized that friendships aren’t really enough and aren’t as ultimate as I tried to postulate. They certainly could be, but few people are interested in cultivating intimate friendships.

This led me to realize the lacking part in all of this - intimate love that doesn’t judge but embraces everything as it is. My relationships have either been shallow or performative, and as I find myself having less to give while longing for more, it’s just not cutting it. I’m finding myself to be more alone than ever, and surrounding myself with people doesn’t bring the same comfort anymore.

Maybe I’m just depressed because it’s winter still, and I’m dying on the inside. I think it’s more than that, though. However messy the path has been, the reality checks, the research, the data, and the doubt have all led me to be affirming of my sexuality. Hating myself because I’m gay and withholding myself from love is leading to the absolute end of me, and I’m so tired and depressed with this season of life that there has to be a lifeline. Surely, something good has to come from this. I can’t say that loving the people who are of the same gender is wrong anymore, and while it’s breaking my worldview in ways that I perceive as being positive and part of the growing pains of learning to love myself, deep down I know that it’s right - somehow. It’s not just a feeling – it’s a certainty, but one arrived at with hopeful hesitancy.

Really, though, it’s true that we can be alone even if we are surrounded by a crowd of people – even people who claim to care for us and about us. That’s how it feels a lot of the time. I have friends that I surround myself with, but still feel largely in isolation in a way that seems to be inexplicable, and that makes it all the more difficult. I just want to be fully known and fully loved, and while that’s exactly how God loves me and all of us, it’s not the same as being physically embraced and held by another human being.

God made us for relationship and for connection, both for relationship and connection with him (as the one who loves and knows us best) and with our fellow human brothers and sisters. That’s all we really are after all. People, not so different from each other, who all bleed the same color, breathe the same air, and live in the same world.

So practically speaking, what does this mean for the one who is gay? What does this mean for the one whose sexuality and their experience of it are different than the examples that we most commonly see throughout time? Does this mean they have to be alone forever, or is there another way, and we just don’t have historical examples because it has been covered up and hidden from the public eye, because it has always been seen as shameful?

I don’t think God wants us to be alone, regardless of how we talk about sexuality, and this is a huge failing because if the church expects its gay members to lead lives of celibacy and commitment, then there should be rigorous support for these individuals. I think we can have a faulty assumption that since we claim God to be our everything, that he is sufficient in and of himself. Yet, this is foolish because even God knows that we need so much more, but everything that we have comes from him in the first place.

So the church leaves people with the assumption that in order to have this Savior, they have to live in a certain way, but that this Savior is all they have to give to their struggling members, and it ought to be sufficient. That’s why it ultimately fails, and maybe that points to the fact that there is a way to justify same-sex relationships, since celibacy is a dangerous thing if pursued in a way that’s forced. The same can be said about relationships that are forced, and by that I’m specifically referring to gay individuals who are forced into straight relationships. While said relationships fit the complementary doctrines encouraged by straight Christians, they aren’t compatible relationships, which end up falling short of God’s design and desire for our relationships (which is why they frequently turn sour, become unhappy, and fall apart).

All theological arguments aside, God still deeply cares about his children who are gay and doesn’t hold us up to impossible expectations. Yet, he knows us and how we feel and doesn’t want us to be alone. It’s not good for us to be alone, after all. So, I think there’s hope for gay Christians that they don’t have to force themselves into a box. They don’t have to choose a path of loneliness because God didn’t design us for that. God is not going to send his children to hell for something that so clearly bears better fruit than the alternative of living with depression and harmful thoughts.

There’s more than just this reason to arrive in an affirming position as a gay Christian, but this is what started to bring me back to reality. What if celibacy isn’t going to draw the queer individual closer to Christ? In fact, I think we already can see how frequently the topic of sexuality is used as an unfair wedge to drive LGBTQ+ individuals out of the church. Yet, just because the church has turned its back on us, it doesn’t mean Jesus does. In fact, he loves us, no matter where we fall. He only asks for faith in him, the faith that he creates in us, and there’s no doubt in my mind that many gay Christians in same-sex relationships have this faith that’s still clinging to and reliant on him.

So maybe the argument isn’t just about theology, which at its best is our best attempt to understand what God is telling us using what his word says and marrying it with human philosophy and interpretation. I think the argument is rather about what is best for the members of his creation who have their own unique deviations from the average person and how they can still be his child, regardless of how they struggle through these things. Especially since scripture lacks certain specificity and is largely silent on this topic. Nothing is impossible with him, and he will never abandon those whom he calls by the power of his word. At the end of the day, it’s the Gospel and not our perfection that fills us up and makes us whole. It’s not about our sin – it’s all about our faith in the one who loves us so much.

I remember growing up hearing about how terrible gay people were. I remember the misconceptions about how these people had supposedly all turned their backs on God. I remember all the ugly accusations made, the slurs, the insults. Reality is, all these things struck closer than what was comfortable. All of the malignant and homophobic things said about gay individuals kept me from understanding myself. I was gay, but the noise was confusing and stifling to self-discovery.

Since coming out, one reality has struck me. There is a theological sureness, and a dangerous one at that, with how people approach this topic in the conservative and evangelical communities, and one that doesn’t make room for queer individuals in God’s kingdom. There is so much noise, so many voices of oftentimes hateful opposition, that it’s hard to filter out reality.

That’s why I’m starting Reclaim as a sanctuary and place to clear out the noise on this subject and to reclaim the conversation for queer individuals. Straight individuals, who have no understanding, have long offered their opinion on the topic in ways that have been hateful, harmful, unproductive, and have driven away a large portion of the LGBTQ+ community (around 90% of which grew up in Christianity) from the church.

The church has long been due for a reassessment of how it approaches these discussions, and even more importantly, the people who are impacted by the theology regarding these subjects. In doing so, it has often overlooked or ignored external realities that must be grappled with. Scripture gives us a basis to work with, but it doesn’t give us a precise guide on how to work through everything.

This is where the church, especially those advocating for ex-gay (Side X) ideology, needs a huge reality checkup, and this warning goes for Side Y and Side B groups as well. If your theology towards gay and trans individuals functions in a way that increases suicidality and mental health problems, then you need to consider that something about your theology is wrong. God does expect what we cannot live up to, and neither should we impose standards that queer individuals can’t meet.

The church is not just for straight, white individuals. It’s not an echo chamber for just one line of thought. The church transcends these cultural and philosophical boundaries, enveloping and embracing even the misfits. Granted, there are the essentials that we absolutely cannot compromise on, which are succinctly taught in the three ecumenical creeds (Apostles’, Nicene, and Athanasian). There are also areas in which Christians have a great amount of freedom and liberty. As Lutheran theologian Rupertus Meldenius explained, “In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.”

Ultimately, the church must recognize that it has failed somehow if it has caused a specific minority to mass exit the flock, not because they don’t believe in God, but because they have been told they don’t belong. That’s just lazy, personally, if your theology is only useful because when applied, it causes the group that it should ideally help to leave. That’s not loving or embracing. That’s just willful ignorance of how ineffective the church has been at tackling this subject in an honorable way.

In order to talk about these things, we have to be able to be honest and open about the realities at hand. We have to approach it in a way that doesn’t force or coerce, but invites, forgives, loves, and blesses. We have to be willing to learn from and listen to voices that may clash and break down the stigmas that have been built up in the Christian community concerning the LGBTQ+ community.

Queer people are no different from any other type of people. They still have the same needs, same wants, same desires that any other person could have.

They still need Jesus.

And the same Savior who hung out with the misfits in his society still wants them.

If we expect the church to remain a harbor for people to find rest and hope in Jesus, we need to have our arms and doors fully open like he does. If we expect Christianity to continue bringing hope and life to people throughout the ages to come, we need to have no limits on who this is for, because Jesus shows us time and time again that his love is for everyone.

The uprooting of LGBTQ+ individuals through anti-queer rhetoric and religious intolerance does not just lead to the mass exit of queer individuals alone. In fact, the younger generations (both gay and straight alike) are largely exiting the church more and more because of this and other social and justice issues that the church has failed to resolve. Both the church's inaction and bad resolutions are to blame for the steady exit of younger generations from the fold, despite growth in religious interest. Evidently, it's hard to sit in a church that teaches that your friends don't belong over something they can't change, and that shouldn't surprise us.

Yet, they didn't leave because of the real Jesus. They left because of the abuse of his word. They left because they were consistently preached a message that intentionally ostracized them as a person. Queer people are consistently told they don't belong, to the point that pastors in evangelical bodies have advocated that we should be put to death or end our lives on our own. That's not the heart of Christ; in fact, that's horrific. We constantly get told that we're who the “millstone around the neck” passage is aimed at, but who, may I ask, is causing people to lose their faith? It's certainly not those of us who wish we could exist in the church like any other human being and experience the love of Christ.

Queer people aren't going to disappear or go away, and we need the love of Jesus as much as anyone else. In fact, I think seeing the way that many individuals live in contradiction to God's goodness by showing hate to queer people has only made me more aware of how needful I am of the love of Jesus and knowing that he's got me no matter what. The one thing needful, sitting at Jesus’ feet, hearing his word, and receiving his love, is what we all need. And it's time we stop gatekeeping a love we aren't given the right to gatekeep. There are no terms and conditions to God's love, and there's no despair, but actually a lot of hope for us queer individuals.

LGBTQ+ individuals belong in the church as much as any other group of people, and it's time for us to reclaim space for ourselves in a church that we haven't abandoned, but has abandoned us.